Byrd with the Word

I shared my story about struggling with depression but I haven’t really explained myself of who I am or maybe why I am the way I am. So tonight I’m going to give y’all a glimpse into my childhood.

This is a story I don’t tell. Only a handful of people know but I think it’s time I changed that.

My parents divorced when I was young (I’ll write another post about that) so when I would go see my biological father I would stay at his moms house. My Granny Robbie.

I always loved going over there. My Granny would drink coffee and I had my own child size coffee set. We would eat Life cereal & her tooth paste was the Aim brand..I remember the taste & how minty it was.

I was 10 years old. Staying the night with my dad & granny. I was back from a rodeo haul & it was relaxing being at home.

My dad had to go to work the next morning so me and my Granny Robbie were going to spend the day together. I was excited because that meant cereal & coffee & movies all day.

Now my Granny was a snorer so I always tried to fall asleep before her & sometimes I would wake before she did. On this particular morning I did…at least I said I did.

I woke up before my Granny did so I started watching Free Willy (my fave). I was about half way through the movie when my dad called & I told him Granny Robbie was still asleep. He then called after the movie & told me to go & check on her. So I did. I said she was snoring. I lied.

I knew something was wrong but as a 10 year old how do you register that? How do you tell someone you think your granny is dead?

I don’t actually remember how long it was before my dad called again…I told him she was still asleep…that’s when he told me to go get my cousin who lived next door. We walked back to my granny’s and I’m almost certain I said “I swear she was snoring” but she wasn’t..I knew that.

I stood by the front door while she checked on her & I’ll never forget the panic in her voice as she called my dad back. That’s when I knew it was real..that’s when I knew that my Granny had actually passed away right next to me.

I still never told anyone I knew she was dead. I stuck to my story that she was snoring when I checked on her. Nobody knew that 10 year old Kailey has actually registered what happened. And I didn’t tell a soul…not until I was 17 & I finally told my mom.

For 7 years I kept that information to myself. I carried around guilt. I was ashamed of myself. I was too worried about watching Free Willy to notice something might actually be wrong.

It’s always hard to lose a family member. It’s especially hard to find the family member and not tell a soul at such a young age.

I don’t like to use this as an excuse. I don’t like to “blame” my sweet, sweet, loving Granny Robbie. I like to remember the good times. The coffee. The morning trips to the truck stop. The antique shops. The road trips to Ohio. The movies & books. The feathered wall paper. I loved my Granny Robbie & I still do.

I know this post is all over the place but I needed to share my story. Get it off of my chest. Cry a little. Maybe let you know to always be aware, that little eyes see more than they let on.

Miss you forever.

Kailey xx