It’s OKAY to Feel the Feels

Hi, I”m back. I don’t think many of you actually care that I have been gone but I just felt like copying the “Hi Guys, welcome back to my channel!” HAHA. Anyways, I haven’t written in a while and I think that’s because I only write things if I read a good book or I’m feeling things other than happiness. (That’s my way of telling you all that I have be SO happy it’s ridiculous..I mean life is just GOOD). I just don’t think people care to read about others happiness, we all know that everyone has the ability to be happy so we don’t need to have others happiness rubbed in our faces, right? To the book thing..my commute is so long, my working hours are so long & well I’m super happy so reading is tough. I’ve literally had to switch to audio books just to get through my book clubs book of the month. BUT anyways, I’ve been feeling some feelings and I don’t care to privately write them out, or to discuss them with the people in my life. Instead I either keep them bottled up or I write them on a public platform. It’s fine, I’m fine, we are all fine.

I am not going to bore you with the details of my happiness. You don’t want to read about that but I need to preface this with the truth and the truth is that I am actually SO happy. Sometimes it is actually hard for me to believe that this is my life. How can things this great happen to me? Even with all the happiness, even with all the greatness, I still find myself struggling. Some days my heart aches, sometimes my mind leads me down an awful tunnel of self worth. Some times the mirror brings on self loathing. No matter how things are going it is possible to feel those awful things.

I am constantly having an inner battle with myself, am I enough? Like full on B.Davis. Pretty enough? Smart enough? Strong enough?  Kind enough? Do I work hard enough?

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Anyways, you can be the happiest you’ve ever been and still feel this way. I am constantly asking myself if I am important to the people around me. Do I need to be a better me to be important? It’s the feeling of inadequacy. The struggle of knowing you are enough.

It’s okay to have this struggle. It’s okay to question yourself, as long as you answer with “I am enough”. Because I know that I am and that you are too. Just as Brooke Davis was. And if the people around you can’t see that..well, it sucks to be them because that is their loss. Not yours.

We are enough. We feel the feels, but we are still enough.

Thankful for Change

It is truly amazing to look back on the year and see how much you are thankful for. This time last year I was really, really, sad. I was lost, miserable, and I had no idea what was next. As I sit here, looking back on the past twelve months, I realize I have so much to be thankful for. And I’m not taking any of it for granted.

All it took was one change in my life to set everything in motion. & now, I truly believe I am where I’m supposed to be.

I’m thankful for the strength I have found. I met a few people, a few people that make me want to be my best self. Because of the growth I have found in myself, through these people, I have finally been able to let go off the toxic relationships in my life. I have finally found worth in myself and I could not be more thankful.

I am thankful for my home. It truly feels like a home & can you ask for more? That also means I am super thankful for Home Goods….

I am thankful for my JOB. (and Hannah Anderson) Thankful that I never have to wait on another table again. WHOOOOP!!

I am just really thankful for the people in my life. Life would be so boring and so unfortunate if I had to do it alone. I never want to take a single person for granted, because you truly never know what is going to happen. I hope I never forget the gratefulness I feel in my heart. I hope I never lose any of these people…or Mosby.

Thankful for the change that made me so happy.

andddd I’m thankful for pie

xxKaileyxx

Addiction

A year ago I bought the domain for my website..I took a leap & it has been a wonderful escape for me. The first post that I felt like really helped, not just myself but others as well was my post where I opened up about my struggle with depression. Mental health is so important and sometimes we don’t nurture it the way we should. The same can be said for addiction.

One of my favorite public figures was rushed to the hospital earlier this week because she overdosed. Everyone has talked, speculated, prayed or judged since the news broke. The majority of us feel an emotional connection to her because she has always been so open about her mental health, drug & alcohol problems. Last year she came out with a wonderful documentary where she really talked about the troubles she went through and struggles with every day. Most recently she released a song where she admits to relapsing after six years. (both are linked)

Simply Complicated

Sober

With all of that being said I wanted to touch on addictions and how addiction does not discriminate.

I have personally never been addicted to a substance but that does not mean it isn’t in my personality. I without a single doubt have an addictive personality. When things start to feel too good I do my very best to stop them cold turkey (lol what a funny saying).

I find myself becoming addicted to people, I start to crave them, even if it is just conversation. I become addicted to TV shows and movies, once I start I can not stop until I am finished with the whole series or the whole book. Sometimes I will lay in bed all day just so I can finish. Once I’m drawn in like that it becomes hard to focus on anything else. Because it is so easy for me to become addicted to those things and the way they make me feel I fear the thought of becoming addicted to substances that can make me feel the same way. It’s in my bloodline to become addicted to things. A very close family member of mine overdosed when I was 11 years old and because of that I am more cautious to the things I allow myself to enjoy.

Since I do have my own struggles with addiction and mental health I believe that it is very important to not only talk about and pray for those in the public that struggle but to also pray and talk to our neighbors. You never know who is struggling with a demon of their own. More than likely your neighbor, a friend, and maybe even the cashier you see every Tuesday has a battle every morning with their very own demons. So, just pray for thy neighbor. And if a friend needs to talk, listen.

 

 

xx Kailey xx

I Struggle

It is Friday, June 29th, approximately 9 in the morning. I have been living in a new city (not town for the first time in my 23 years of life) for a week. I am sitting on the floor because I don’t have a kitchen table. Drinking lukewarm coffee that i made less than a hour ago. Trying to do my homework. Trying is a very important word. I have been trying to do a lot of things..and I have mainly been failing. So, I struggle.

I got my last paycheck from my safety net today & now I have no clue which way is up. It is sad to me, that I am 23 with a degree that is practically useless, working on another degree, and I still can’t seem to get my career started. I’m partially to blame, yes, but not completely. How was I supposed to know that my degree will do me no good without experience & how was I supposed to know that the internship I took my senior year wasn’t going to count as experience? So, I struggle.

I struggle because I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how many more applications, how many more background checks, how many more test I will have to take before I will feel comfortable enough to know that my rent and student loan payments will be paid this month.

I struggle with my self worth. I struggle with school. I struggle with my dog…simply because he’s decided he’s a barker. I struggle with motivation. I struggle with the thought of my future..I especially struggle when someone ask “Kailey, what do you want to do with your life?” Honestly, my answer is everything. I want to do it all. But have you ever told someone all the things you want to do with your future? I have, and I always get the same response. It’s a disapproving look, a pity look. Their look is telling me that my dreams and aspirations aren’t reachable, I need to decide what I really want to do, before it’s too late. So, I struggle.

I struggle, but I also achieve. I know not starting my career yet is disapproving but I also know the accomplishment it is to be a first generation graduate. Not only a first generation graduate but I am going for degree number two. I know being scared that I won’t have rent is a pity but I also know that it is an achievement that I got out of the small town I grew up in. I know that struggling with school isn’t something to be happy about but paying for school and getting good grades is an accomplishment. I know that a barking dog is annoying, but having a two year old male dog that doesn’t hike his leg in the house is an accomplishment. I know my lack of motivation is sad but I know getting up and running a mile, driving to those test, reading the articles for school…all of that is an everyday accomplishment.

We all struggle, every day. But we also all have accomplishments to be proud of. Sometimes our fears and struggles cloud our view of the things we have achieved thus far. It is hard to keep a positive outlook and hard to keep our chins up but we have to do that in order to move forward and as long as we are moving forward we should be proud. 

My name is Kailey & I struggle but I achieve.

 

xx Kailey xx

 

Aunt to an Angel

You never know how deep the pain can cut, how dark the days can get, how many tears you can cry, until it happens to you. It doesn’t just happen to you, though, it happens to your husband, your siblings, your parents, your cousins, your whole family. They all feel the pain from that deep, awful cut.

This is my story, the story of a sister to a wonderful mother, a mother who held her baby for the first time, knowing she would never take a breath. This is the story of an Aunt, whose niece is an angel.

I will never forget that day-March 27th, 2014-, it was a normal day. I was sitting in my dorm, at my desk, in front of my computer just staring at my homework. My brother in law called and I ignored it, I knew if I answered I would never get my homework done. You see, I am very, very close to my family, especially my sister and brother in law. Anyways, it went to voicemail. He then texted me and said “Call me when you can. We lost the baby.”

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I called him and when he answered I said “What do you mean we lost the baby?”, he answered “There’s no heartbeat”, I lost it. I completely lost control of myself, my emotions, my body. I cried, and cried some more. My roommate, Shanna, ran to my side of the room and did the best she could to calm me. I just cried, cried and cried some more. The next thing I remember is just going through the motions. Telling my professors I wouldn’t be in class, telling my job I couldn’t make it in, telling my friends I was going home. It was gut wrenching and I was 5 hours away from my family. That was the hardest part, knowing it would take hours for me to get to my family, to get to comfort.

The trip home was dreadful. Making it home in one piece was Gods work but at that time I was questioning God. Why would he do such a thing? Why would he take an innocent life? How could he take something so special from us? The “whys” and the “hows” were large and taking over. It was something I couldn’t wrap my head around. I didn’t understand and I wasn’t sure I wanted to understand. I needed to mourn but I also needed to be strong for my family.

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You honestly can not believe how much you can love and mourn someone you’ve never even met until this happens to you. Until you lose your niece without ever feeling her grab ahold of your finger, without ever playing peek-a-boo, without ever hearing her say her first word. If you just think about the “what ifs” you’ll never understand. You won’t ever accept it. Accept that the first face she ever saw was the face of Jesus. Accept that she will never see evil or have evil done to her. You have to let go and realize that she may not fall in love on earth but she’s already fallen in love in Heaven. You have to understand that she is constantly watching over her family, especially her big brother and little sister. 17553724_1759437174082432_6582831911428540330_n

Every year we get together for her heavenly birthday. We release butterflies and balloons and we cry. My sister said it best yesterday, “you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”, and she is so strong. Kenzi’s whole family is stronger. We are stronger because of her.

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Although we will never get to see her play t-ball, ride a horse, or play tag we will always remember her. We will always love her, cherish her and look forward to meeting her. She will always be our princess.

I hope no one ever has to feel this pain, but, if you do, know that you are not alone.

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In honor of Kenzington Rae Carpenter, March 27th, 2014 & Layken Tola Boyd, May 20th, 2012.

xx Kaileyxx

(this is my personal story, I am not trying to speak for others and how they may feel)

Am I Being Left Behind?

We all hit that awkward age. It’s our early 20’s. You know, the time when half of our friends are getting toasted every weekend and even some week days & the other half of our friends are getting married and having babies.

Then there’s me. I fit in neither of those categories. Most of the time I’m in bed way before 10. I go out ever few weekends but I don’t get drunk any more. (I really like not being hungover) I’m more single than I’ve ever been. Literally my mom said “you need to start dating, Kailey. You really aren’t getting any younger” ouch Babies freak me out, the thought of a first date makes me panic & having to shave my legs or wash my hair makes me exhausted. I would just rather be laying in bed with either a beefy 5 layer burrito or a glass of cab. There’s really no in between, is there? I either binge watch crime shows or binge read a good book. And I’m okay with that.

But should I be???

Should I feel excitement about swiping left or right on a dating app? Should I want to go party in a pasture?

Does watching Chicago P.D. or reading Megan Miranda’s latest book on a Saturday night make me a prude?

Does working 40 hours a week or spending over 10 hours on homework make me lame?

Am I a dud because I cherish my sleep over staying up past midnight?

If you answered yes, then I’m sorry you feel that way about me but I’m sure your life is fun. Sometimes I live vicariously through your pictures and videos, but I don’t envy you anymore.

If you feel the way I do, then know that you are okay! Our time is coming. Chasing success, closing a chapter, rewriting the scripts. We’re doing our own thing, on our own schedule.

Who cares if it’s not the popular opinion? Who cares if people don’t want to be us. We want to be us & that is all that matters.

We wake up, we kick ass and we even eat pizza. IT’S OKAY.

Never feel bad about being you.

Kailey xx

Un-Fulfillment

A friend and I were talking this morning, I called to invite her down for a fun weekend, she told me she couldn’t go because she had to work. I asked her how her job was going, did she love her career, was it what she wanted?? Her answer really got me thinking. She said “It’s okay, but this can not be what I spent 5 years of my life going to school for” I agreed with her. Is this all that we get? A half fulfilled life? 

The answer has to be no. We do not go to college on an average of four years to live a mediocre life. It just can not be that boring. But how do we get out of the rut we find ourselves in? How do we find a career that fulfils us?

I was watching New Girl this morning and Schmidt was talking about how he went to work and crushed it then he crushed it again. He just absolutely loves his job and he thrives at it. The same way Jess thrives at being a teacher or Rachel thrives when working with fashion and Monica thrives in the kitchen of a well known restaurant. I do not want to be a Chandler when it comes to my career, nobody does. Ammirite???

In order to get a fulfilled life you must sit down and actually think about what fulfills you. Is it working with kids? numbers? words? sick people? Pick a topic and go from there.

Be willing to branch out, not only in your career but also in your location.

Don’t depend on someone else for your happiness.

Never settle. Never ever.

Don’t give up on yourself.

Find a hobby.

Make a bucket list.

SET GOALS.

Then you take a step back and….CRUSH IT. 

No, I am not fulfilled, but I am headed in the right direction. I have attainable goals, a bucket list, a fun hobby, dreams and a passion. I will tell you to sit back and watch me achieve them and you need to do the same. Let’s come together and live a life worth telling. I’m going to crush the rest of 2018 & I believe you will too. 

 

xx Kailey xx