I shared my story about struggling with depression but I haven’t really explained myself of who I am or maybe why I am the way I am. So tonight I’m going to give y’all a glimpse into my childhood.
This is a story I don’t tell. Only a handful of people know but I think it’s time I changed that.
My parents divorced when I was young (I’ll write another post about that) so when I would go see my biological father I would stay at his moms house. My Granny Robbie.
I always loved going over there. My Granny would drink coffee and I had my own child size coffee set. We would eat Life cereal & her tooth paste was the Aim brand..I remember the taste & how minty it was.
I was 10 years old. Staying the night with my dad & granny. I was back from a rodeo haul & it was relaxing being at home.
My dad had to go to work the next morning so me and my Granny Robbie were going to spend the day together. I was excited because that meant cereal & coffee & movies all day.
Now my Granny was a snorer so I always tried to fall asleep before her & sometimes I would wake before she did. On this particular morning I did…at least I said I did.
I woke up before my Granny did so I started watching Free Willy (my fave). I was about half way through the movie when my dad called & I told him Granny Robbie was still asleep. He then called after the movie & told me to go & check on her. So I did. I said she was snoring. I lied.
I knew something was wrong but as a 10 year old how do you register that? How do you tell someone you think your granny is dead?
I don’t actually remember how long it was before my dad called again…I told him she was still asleep…that’s when he told me to go get my cousin who lived next door. We walked back to my granny’s and I’m almost certain I said “I swear she was snoring” but she wasn’t..I knew that.
I stood by the front door while she checked on her & I’ll never forget the panic in her voice as she called my dad back. That’s when I knew it was real..that’s when I knew that my Granny had actually passed away right next to me.
I still never told anyone I knew she was dead. I stuck to my story that she was snoring when I checked on her. Nobody knew that 10 year old Kailey has actually registered what happened. And I didn’t tell a soul…not until I was 17 & I finally told my mom.
For 7 years I kept that information to myself. I carried around guilt. I was ashamed of myself. I was too worried about watching Free Willy to notice something might actually be wrong.
It’s always hard to lose a family member. It’s especially hard to find the family member and not tell a soul at such a young age.
I don’t like to use this as an excuse. I don’t like to “blame” my sweet, sweet, loving Granny Robbie. I like to remember the good times. The coffee. The morning trips to the truck stop. The antique shops. The road trips to Ohio. The movies & books. The feathered wall paper. I loved my Granny Robbie & I still do.
I know this post is all over the place but I needed to share my story. Get it off of my chest. Cry a little. Maybe let you know to always be aware, that little eyes see more than they let on.
Miss you forever.
8 thoughts on “I Found My Grandma Dead”
what a scary thing… what a weight you carried… hope this relieves you some… I remember witnessing my grandma have a stroke.. the sweat bubbling on her forehead, the cold clammy feel of her arms… she was ok… she lived for many more years but I can see what an impression that kind of thing can leave on a young child. RIP to our grandmas.
Those are things and feelings you can never forget. They loved us very much & now they are in a much much better place. Thanks for sharing your experience
Bless your heart Kailey, You carried your secret for seven years as a child I know the things going through that young brain was worse than the secret you was keeping. It’s okay, for one, you must be a really really good friend to talk to , because you can keep a secret 😀, second, you were seven. I also found my grandmother dead , I was around three, I can remember her not waking up to for her breakfast in bed I was trying to give her and the people in the big car putting her on a bed that rolled, covering her up over her head ( how was she going to breathe? ) and putting her on the bed , in the big car. NOT something a young child should have to deal with. HUGS SWEETIE!
Wow..luckily I didn’t have to see that! I think it made us stronger for sure. God only gives us what we can handle & he knew we were tough little girls.
You were on my mind all day yesterday. Kailey, the thing that must have been going on in that little mind all those years. Just remember, you were seven, it was not your fault, 7 are 70 could not have saved your Grandmother. As a Grandmother, she passed with her little Angel in in her house, her heart was happy, other than leaving you with that heavy burden, her LOVE as in her house and she wasn’t alone. 💛 U!
This is so sweet! Thank you so much .. love you! ❤
So sad reading and wiping away tears makes me think back to when my best friends mother passed away of cancer when I was 19 years old we were all in the living room as she took her final breath.
I can’t imagine the pain of that memory!