You never know how deep the pain can cut, how dark the days can get, how many tears you can cry, until it happens to you. It doesn’t just happen to you, though, it happens to your husband, your siblings, your parents, your cousins, your whole family. They all feel the pain from that deep, awful cut.
This is my story, the story of a sister to a wonderful mother, a mother who held her baby for the first time, knowing she would never take a breath. This is the story of an Aunt, whose niece is an angel.
I will never forget that day-March 27th, 2014-, it was a normal day. I was sitting in my dorm, at my desk, in front of my computer just staring at my homework. My brother in law called and I ignored it, I knew if I answered I would never get my homework done. You see, I am very, very close to my family, especially my sister and brother in law. Anyways, it went to voicemail. He then texted me and said “Call me when you can. We lost the baby.”
I called him and when he answered I said “What do you mean we lost the baby?”, he answered “There’s no heartbeat”, I lost it. I completely lost control of myself, my emotions, my body. I cried, and cried some more. My roommate, Shanna, ran to my side of the room and did the best she could to calm me. I just cried, cried and cried some more. The next thing I remember is just going through the motions. Telling my professors I wouldn’t be in class, telling my job I couldn’t make it in, telling my friends I was going home. It was gut wrenching and I was 5 hours away from my family. That was the hardest part, knowing it would take hours for me to get to my family, to get to comfort.
The trip home was dreadful. Making it home in one piece was Gods work but at that time I was questioning God. Why would he do such a thing? Why would he take an innocent life? How could he take something so special from us? The “whys” and the “hows” were large and taking over. It was something I couldn’t wrap my head around. I didn’t understand and I wasn’t sure I wanted to understand. I needed to mourn but I also needed to be strong for my family.
You honestly can not believe how much you can love and mourn someone you’ve never even met until this happens to you. Until you lose your niece without ever feeling her grab ahold of your finger, without ever playing peek-a-boo, without ever hearing her say her first word. If you just think about the “what ifs” you’ll never understand. You won’t ever accept it. Accept that the first face she ever saw was the face of Jesus. Accept that she will never see evil or have evil done to her. You have to let go and realize that she may not fall in love on earth but she’s already fallen in love in Heaven. You have to understand that she is constantly watching over her family, especially her big brother and little sister.
Every year we get together for her heavenly birthday. We release butterflies and balloons and we cry. My sister said it best yesterday, “you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”, and she is so strong. Kenzi’s whole family is stronger. We are stronger because of her.
Although we will never get to see her play t-ball, ride a horse, or play tag we will always remember her. We will always love her, cherish her and look forward to meeting her. She will always be our princess.
I hope no one ever has to feel this pain, but, if you do, know that you are not alone.
In honor of Kenzington Rae Carpenter, March 27th, 2014 & Layken Tola Boyd, May 20th, 2012.
(this is my personal story, I am not trying to speak for others and how they may feel)