I Struggle

It is Friday, June 29th, approximately 9 in the morning. I have been living in a new city (not town for the first time in my 23 years of life) for a week. I am sitting on the floor because I don’t have a kitchen table. Drinking lukewarm coffee that i made less than a hour ago. Trying to do my homework. Trying is a very important word. I have been trying to do a lot of things..and I have mainly been failing. So, I struggle.

I got my last paycheck from my safety net today & now I have no clue which way is up. It is sad to me, that I am 23 with a degree that is practically useless, working on another degree, and I still can’t seem to get my career started. I’m partially to blame, yes, but not completely. How was I supposed to know that my degree will do me no good without experience & how was I supposed to know that the internship I took my senior year wasn’t going to count as experience? So, I struggle.

I struggle because I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how many more applications, how many more background checks, how many more test I will have to take before I will feel comfortable enough to know that my rent and student loan payments will be paid this month.

I struggle with my self worth. I struggle with school. I struggle with my dog…simply because he’s decided he’s a barker. I struggle with motivation. I struggle with the thought of my future..I especially struggle when someone ask “Kailey, what do you want to do with your life?” Honestly, my answer is everything. I want to do it all. But have you ever told someone all the things you want to do with your future? I have, and I always get the same response. It’s a disapproving look, a pity look. Their look is telling me that my dreams and aspirations aren’t reachable, I need to decide what I really want to do, before it’s too late. So, I struggle.

I struggle, but I also achieve. I know not starting my career yet is disapproving but I also know the accomplishment it is to be a first generation graduate. Not only a first generation graduate but I am going for degree number two. I know being scared that I won’t have rent is a pity but I also know that it is an achievement that I got out of the small town I grew up in. I know that struggling with school isn’t something to be happy about but paying for school and getting good grades is an accomplishment. I know that a barking dog is annoying, but having a two year old male dog that doesn’t hike his leg in the house is an accomplishment. I know my lack of motivation is sad but I know getting up and running a mile, driving to those test, reading the articles for school…all of that is an everyday accomplishment.

We all struggle, every day. But we also all have accomplishments to be proud of. Sometimes our fears and struggles cloud our view of the things we have achieved thus far. It is hard to keep a positive outlook and hard to keep our chins up but we have to do that in order to move forward and as long as we are moving forward we should be proud. 

My name is Kailey & I struggle but I achieve.

 

xx Kailey xx

 

4 thoughts on “I Struggle

  1. I love everything about this!! I am proud of you daily!!! I know you will achieve great things in life! You just have to be patient and trust that things will turn around and you will get your feet firmly planted and reach your goals! Love you KK!

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  2. You know me.. I’m 46 and still struggle with career, maybe going to school, money! You’re never really get ‘set’ in life because life is always changing, throwing you curves. You can make it in the city! Hang in through the tuff times and doubt; every little thing is gonna be ok.💛

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